Wishing you well, but from afar
At the time that I was going through my divorce,
there were two other colleagues from my department who were also in the process of getting a divorce. These two colleagues were also my close friends. There were a lot of visits to each other's homes and lots of conversations as we worked through the emotional fallout.
By the time we were divorced, all of our Ex-husbands had left Foreign Country: mine returned home while the others moved to other foreign countries. My dear friend ALT's ex-husband got a job in a country they had worked in together previously. As I suspect many divorceés do, we would occasionally cyber-stalk our exes on Facebook. You know, just to see how they were doing. (*Actually, to make sure that we were doing better than they were). A few months after ALT's ex moved, she called me one day, distraught . "J has a new girlfriend!" Wow - this was dangerous territory. What was the right thing to say? "That bastard!" It didn't matter that ALT also had someone new in her life. She wasn't plastering her new beau's handsome face on social media. We may have gotten together that night to discuss this issue. Our discussion may have involved a bottle of wine. It's hard to remember the details now.
A few months after that, during one of my own cyber-stalking episodes, I saw that Ex-husband had changed his relationship status on Facebook. He was In A Relationship. *Gasp* Of course I clicked on the name of his new girlfriend, and as soon as I saw a picture of them together, I burst into tears and immediately called ALT. "Ex-husband has a new girlfriend!" "That bastard!"
I had not burst into tears because seeing Ex-husband with a new woman made me realize that divorcing him had been a mistake. In fact, I was as convinced as ever that our divorce had been good for both of us. Our divorce was quite civil. We did not end as friends, and yes we had fights and there were accusations and hurt feelings and yelling and crying as we worked through the logistics, but not that much. We reached agreements about how our divorce should proceed and we both stuck to our word. We divided our assets on our own. We did not hire any attorneys to hammer out the details. We did it all ourselves.
We did not divorce because of any one reason. No one cheated on anyone. No one abused anyone. No one spent all the money. No one harbored deep, dark secrets. We simply had drifted so far apart that it was hard to see each other from our distant shores. And we realized that neither one of us really wanted to do the work of trying to come back together.
Intellectually, we all know that a divorce is an ending. But there are new beginnings afterwards. One of the things ALT and I did after our divorces was decide to run a half-marathon together. She had already done one. I had run a few 5ks and one 10k. I didn't know what I was getting into.
ALT found a training schedule and at first, we trained together. But halfway through, I found myself unable to train at the same time as her, so we each ran alone. It wasn't nearly as much fun. Actually, it wasn't fun at all. I do not enjoy running. If it hadn't been for the commitment I made with ALT to do this together, I would have abandoned the whole endeavor.
One day, as the date of our half-marathon approached, I found myself cyber-stalking Ex-husband again. And what did I see? His new girlfriend had posted a comment on his Wall about how happy she was that he had run in the half-marathon with her. WHAT?!? Ex-husband didn't even like to go on walks with me! He was always complaining that his feet hurt, his legs hurt, his back hurt, he had a headache. And now he was running a half-marathon with his new girlfriend! And! HE HAD THE NERVE TO DO IT JUST BEFORE I RAN *MY* FIRST HALF-MARATHON! That BASTARD!!
His girlfriend's comment mentioned which half-marathon they had participated in. I Googled the event, searching for the day they did it. I was looking for his time. Even if I keeled over as soon as I crossed the finish line, I was going to beat his time! It turns out that the half-marathon was a relay. He had run about 4 miles. His girlfriend ran the other 8. I smiled to myself at seeing this and I sighed in relief. I wouldn't have to kill myself to beat his time. I just had to run the whole thing.
I immediately called ALT to share the news. I was relating the story in painstaking detail (ALT is the epitome of concise. I am most decidedly not), telling her about the comment on the Wall, the information about which half-marathon, the search for his time, the discovery that it was a relay and that Ex-husband had only run 4+ of the 13 miles... When I finally ran out of steam, there was a brief pause on the line and ALT said, "Perhaps you should consider blocking him." I exhaled all of my anxiety in one desperate puff of defeat. "That's an idea."
And I did. I blocked him for several months. Not because of him. Because of me. I wasn't trying to get back at him for anything. I was just trying not to cause myself unnecessary grief. I did not harbor any ill will towards him. I wanted him to be happy. But I realized that I was not at the point where I could be happy for him while looking at a picture of him smiling with his new girlfriend. I needed more distance. I could only wish him well if I didn't know how he was really doing. I had to wish him well from afar.
Several months later, sitting in front of my laptop, I was poking around on Facebook and I gave in to temptation and unblocked Ex-husband. He was still with his new girlfriend. Their profile picture was a photo of them together. And they were smiling. And people had commented on how happy they looked - many of the same people who had commented on how happy Ex-husband and I looked in our pictures on Facebook when we were together. But I found myself agreeing with them. They did look happy.
I was pleased to note that I felt nothing when I looked at the picture: no sadness, no jealousy, no anger, no regret. All I could think was that I hoped he would continue to be happy in his new life. Wasn't that why we got a divorce? Because we realized we weren't making each other happy? And now he was with someone new who made him smile. I wanted to be happy for them.
This happened years ago. I continue to sporadically cyber-stalk him on Facebook. About once or twice a year, I pop over to his page and see how he's doing. He's still with his girlfriend. They continue to look happy together. And I continue to wish them well.
