A love letter to my Little Sister on the occasion of her marriage
Dear Little Sister,
Congratulations on your wedding October 8th! I hope it was every bit the fairy tale wedding that you deserve. You and your new husband look so happy in all of your pictures. I wish you a lifetime together full of happiness, of surprises, of laughter and tears (because tears are part of the equation), of growth, of love, and of dogs. You two seem to love dogs.
All the experts say that the key to a good marriage is communication. But no one teaches you how to communicate. "Talk to each other." "Express your needs." "Be open." "Tell him what you want." If you don't know what your needs are yet, don't worry. You'll learn that eventually. Not sure what you want? You'll figure it out. I have faith in you. And once you do, communicate, communicate, communicate! Even if it feels weird or stupid or uncomfortable or icky. It takes time and practice to learn how to communicate with the one you love - and even more time to learn how to do it well.
More than anything else, I wish for you to feel empowered in your relationship with your husband. And even if you don't now, I wish for you to grow into it. Empower your husband. Don't watch TV sitcoms (are there still even sitcoms on TV?) because so many of them show marriages with harpy wives and bumbling idiot husbands. That's not what real marriages look like. Ok - that's what some marriages look like, but aim higher than that. Give your husband room to grow and demand space for your own development. Grow together. Do things you enjoy together and do them often. Be kind to each other. Be generous. The Gottman Institute says that is the biggest predictor of successful marriages. So have kindness and generosity oozing out of your pores, even when it's difficult. ESPECIALLY when it's difficult! It will not only help your marriage thrive, it will make you a better person.
Let me give you the best advice I can: no matter how good the advice you get is, you are still going to have to figure things out on your own. So get to it.
Go ahead and talk to your girlfriends, your mother, or your mother-in-law, if you're lucky enough to have that kind of relationship with her. Read articles from the Gottman Institute (Seriously! They have some excellent articles!) Devour Cosmo and read every single one of those ways to drive your man wild in bed (and try everything that sounds like fun). Keep a journal, if that's your thing. But be proactive. Talk it out, read all about it, try everything you can. In the end, use what seems useful and disregard the rest. You are the owner of your life and of your marriage. Own them.
Having a relationship with someone who loves you, who respects you, who talks to you, who is there for you - wow. There is just nothing like it. But remember that love doesn't have to all look the same. What is love to one couple can look like nauseating treacle to another. What is love to one couple can look almost painful to another. What is love to one couple can look like not much of anything to another. What is love to one couple can look practically like stalking to another. Also, remember that what people on the outside see in a relationship is only the outer perimeter of that relationship. No one except the people involved know what's going on inside a marriage. Check in with yourself and listen to that little voice. It will guide you and let you know if you're getting off track. Just because other people tell you they think your marriage is weird doesn't mean they get to have a say in your relationship. Their opinion is their own. Your marriage is your own. There are so many ways to love and respect each other and YOU - BOTH of you - get to decide exactly what your love and your respect for each other looks like.
Sweetie, you are an amazing woman. I have known that since you were 11 years old. It has been an honor and a privilege to watch you grow up and grow into the person you are now.
You have a beautiful new path in front of you and someone to walk it with. Enjoy the journey.
All my love,
Halina
