Slap a label on it

The way we present ourselves to the world often comes wrapped in labels: "I'm American." "I'm a doctor." "I'm gay." "I'm Jewish." "I'm a republican." "I'm a single mother." "I'm a rock star." "I'm a dog lover."

It makes sense. How can we talk about who we are without labeling what we are?

And yet... am I the only person who feels restricted by these labels sometimes? I mean, I have no problem saying "I'm a woman." I'm stating a fact. And yet, for a transgender person, this assertion could prove quite problematic.

I do not have children. This is by choice. I am called a childless woman, which is technically correct. However, I prefer to call myself childfree, which implies the agency required to make the choice I made. I am not missing something; I have chosen to not have it. Do other people see the distinction? Does it matter to others whether I call myself childfree or childless? Does this matter to other women who make the same choice I made? What about if a woman doesn't have children but it's not by choice? What label would they take?

Sometimes our labels are a confession: "I'm an alcoholic." "I'm bipolar." "I'm bulimic." "I'm a rape victim." We hide behind these labels in silence until we can speak them. Once we speak them, we can seek the help we need to transcend them. It takes so much courage to speak out about these labels we were hiding behind. In order to heal, we may have to first face society's scorn. What a horrible burden to add to an already gargantuan task.

I find that often, the way I label myself is more about what I'm NOT than about what I AM.

• I am not patriotic. Wow - that even sounds bad, doesn't it? Isn't it a good thing to be patriotic? Well, I don't happen to think so. That is not a label I want attached to me.

• I am not homophobic or transphobic. There isn't a word to express that in a positive way that carries the full meaning, is there? I am an ally to the LGBTQ community, but there isn't a word that encapsulates that. If I simply say I'm an ally, without context, it means nothing. So I need to define what I am with a negative.

• I am not fully Mexican nor fully American.

• I am not religious.

When I was teaching in Foreign Country the first time, I had a student who used to come to my office hours all the time, just to chat. I think he also appreciated my open-mindedness because he would often come and talk about difficult or controversial topics. He felt safe enough to share. He was my student for 3 semesters in a row.

One year just before the winter break, he came to my office and gave me a Christmas card and wished me Merry Christmas. I thanked him. I didn't say it back because he's Muslim and because those words don't roll off my tongue easily. He asked me if I was going to go home to celebrate Christmas with my family. I told him I wasn't going home. He asked me where I was going to celebrate Christmas then and I told him I didn't celebrate Christmas. He looked surprised and asked me why.

"Because I'm not Christian."

His eyes bugged out. "You are Jewish??"

"No."

"You're not Muslim..."

"No."

He looked at me, trying to figure me out. "So... what religion are you?"

"I don't have a religion." "Really? Miss, I have a suggestion for you."

"Ok."

"Don't tell other people that."

I asked him why. He told me, with great concern, that if I told people that I didn't have any religion, they might think I wasn't a good person.

"Well, I don't volunteer that information. But, what should I do if they ask? Lie?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Yes."

I nodded and thought about what to say next.

"Thank you for the advice. I know you're concerned for me, but I won't follow your suggestion. Let me tell you why. If I tell the truth, that I am not religious, and someone thinks I am a bad person because of that, they are judging me. They can do that, but that's on them. I have told the truth and I'm at peace with myself. However, if I lie to them so they don't think I'm a bad person, then I've done something I feel makes me a bad person, which is lie. I won't do that, because that's on me."

Again, he thought about what I had said. Ultimately, he nodded and said he understood.

On the other hand, there are some labels I affix to myself proudly: I am open-minded. I am a liberal. I am pro-choice. I am anti-gun. I am a country music fan. (Wait - what? Yes, seriously.) I am a teacher.

We don't have much control over what others label us, but we do get to pick and choose how we label ourselves. And like most things, we also get to re-evaluate and re-assign our labels as we grow and change.

I'm working on my next label:

Writer.

#Whowesayweare